Adjusting My Grip: While I Wait - Chapter 2 - God Will Not be Pushed from Behind

Chapter 2 - God Will Not be Pushed from Behind

“In your patience possess ye your souls.”

                                                          Luke 21:19

I grew up with a dad that worked in the same job for 30+ years. Because they chose to have my Dad finish his degree and my mom stay home to raise their seven children, my dad always had about 3 jobs in order to make that work. But he had those jobs for decades. It doesn’t take science or data to see that paradigm evolving.

See for a hundred years or more, the Saints were sequestered in a way, out here in the wide-open Western United States. It made outsiders nervous. I can see how it would do that. We had customs and practices that seemed odd and other-worldly to those “on the outside.” It has taken a long time for us to be mainstreamed into the world.

I like to think of the church as having four levels of practice: Formal policy and revelation, practiced procedure, advice and information and finally, good ‘ole common sense. Some of it comes across the pulpits twice a year at the formal General Conferences or the weekly Sacrament Meetings. This vital information and/or inspiration is addressed to the general population of the church from the leadership of the church, the prophets, seers and revelators. Revelation is God-given. It is rare and drives faith.

Practiced procedures are important to a growing, international church to provide unity. The Lord is all about unity and becoming “as one.”

The Lord’s prophets have always called for unity. The need for that gift to be granted to us and the challenge to maintain it will grow greater in the days ahead, in which we will be prepared as a people for our glorious destiny.^[1]

Advice and information come from authorized church publicized media. However, I can see in my lifetime alone, that the church would rather you get personal advice from God himself through the Holy Ghost. When I was a pre-teen in the 70’s, I actually read an article from a church magazine that said "women should do everything they can to appear attractive to their husbands," and when a woman takes the sacrament she shouldn’t throw her head back like a man does – it’s “uncomely.” Pretty sure the Lord had nothing to do with that advice, but I remember as a young girl wondering what it meant to “throw your head back.” It worried me weekly until I figured it out. Strange that a little thing like that would matter so much and stick with me for so long. But as a kid, I abided by any rule that promised me a pay-off. Apparently, I thought that if you threw your head back when you took the sacrament you would never get a husband. I still don’t throw my head back. We would be hard-pressed to find an article like that these days.

Finally, a very wide and sometimes abused form of practice in any community or religious group: common sense. This category changes as rapidly as society changes. In most religions, we are often conflicted with what is politically acceptable today and what is acceptable by God. We tend to think that society is further ahead...in a modern way. There is a constant feeling that God isn’t keeping up with the times.

Latter-Days Saints don’t even want to be called Mormon anymore. We change too.... it just takes us a little longer. We're faithfully on God's time. We believe that He is working hard to answer our prayers, to fill in the blessings that we feel we are “owed” for righteous living, but even God can’t alter man’s free will. Knowing that has helped me take a breath through my trials, and apply some of that hard-earned patience. I’ve learned to wait. I’ve learned to say how blessed I am that I have the truth of the gospel and how it expands my patience, gives me true purpose for living and has made the waiting tolerable. Whatever. It doesn't make it easier, but I've learned to say it. 

I’m waiting for a few things to happen in my life that I perceive will make me happy but waiting is horrible. I get utterly depressed when those things don’t happen at the speed in which I perceive it will take the depression away.  In a clichéd nutshell, if my trials and disappointments are not teaching me something, what's their use? Why live through it? Why go on? Trust creates endurance. It’s a vicious awful cycle of pain..er..education. I’m a fast learner! Why does it seem like I have to repeat these lessons over and over?

Oh. Endurance...Enduring to the end… a virtue above all other virtues.

And - hope. See, if every prayer we uttered in our loneliness and impatience was answered the instant we asked, there would be no need for hope. And I've needed hope in my life. Hope has gotten me out of bed sometimes. Hope can give us those dreams and expectations. In hope, we can have anticipation for happiness. We can truly say that “we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things.^[2]

It’s really tough to endure all things until we learn to “be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times.^[3]  So we continue to hold onto the iron rod and adjust our grip as we learn those things. Don’t let go, though. Believe me, don’t let go.

It all goes back to time. Time is relative, elusive and human. In fact, as I sit here, I can hear two different clocks ticking away, reminding me that time is a human invention and what is that old saying? We are not humans having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Sounds like something I cross-stitched for my hope chest when I was in eighth grade.

Another cliché born out of the truth.

Having true patience is knowing that time is relative and that I need to relax and can wait without losing hope. I CAN WAIT. I just don’t want to. It’s painful to see my dreams being fulfilled by people around me...and not...me. I don’t have to rush myself, give up on my eternal goals or push someone else (least of all God) to get to the things I need or want.

Let me be clear: waiting is just standing around. Waiting with patience or what we call “waiting on the Lord” is patience by allowing God time to perform His part too. We trust that by doing all that we can, God will expand our effort and make it greater than it could ever be if we attempted to go through this life by ourselves. However hard we might want to push God from behind, trust that He is working as fast as He can - hand in hand with US.

God isn’t just standing around. Can you look back and see the hand of God working miracles and magic in your life? It defies explanation to me sometimes - except that I have faith and I know that it is because of His love for me that He wants me back there, with Him, again. He is my F.A.T.H.E.R. He’s working hard! But only as hard as human time and agency will allow.

Today in the LDS church, I believe we are moving toward a modern sensibility, albeit slowly, and FAR too slowly for some. The human clock moves at the speed of light today, however, God will not be pushed from behind. The great Plan of Salvation is what it is. We work through it individually and as couples. Therein also lies the great heartache of my life and why I have needed hope, patience, submission and endurance.

In D. Todd Christofferson’s conference talk called “Why Marriage, Why Family,” he explains the great and eternal plan of happiness in a way that helped me understand my commission toward it.

Elder Christofferson iterates a letter that Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German theologian, wrote to his niece on her wedding day. He told her:

“Marriage is more than your love for each other. … In your love you see only your two selves in the world, but in marriage you are a link in the chain of the generations, which God causes to come and to pass away to his glory, and calls into his kingdom. In your love you see only the heaven of your own happiness, but in marriage you are placed at a post of responsibility towards the world and mankind. Your love is your own private possession, but marriage is more than something personal—it is a status, an office…”^[4]

Prophets have revealed that when we were first nothing more than intelligences, God looked around and wanted to give us all an opportunity to advance as He had done. What a great dad! So he created the great “Plan of Salvation” or “Plan of Happiness” as it is also called. In order for it to work (everybody who chooses to follow it would have eternal happiness), He set up the following pattern:

1.         He created a place where a mortal body could live - Earth

2.         We experience the condition of mortality - tested outside the presence of God

3.         We are redeemed from our sins by Jesus Christ on the condition of repentance

4.         We turn around and provide mortal bodies for other spirits to do the same

So it is in that commission that we have, as Latter-day Saints been asked to create families. In 1976, President Kimball, seeing this tide coming, said, “Come home wives, to your children, born and unborn. Wrap the motherly cloak about you and (unembarrassed) help in a major role to create the bodies for the immortal souls who anxiously wait.” It seems old-fashioned, doesn’t it?  Yet - I understand it easily and comfortably. I got a body, I have a uterus - I need to pay it forward. But the world doesn’t always see it like that. The resistance would say that we are putting women in a corner, and it gets stronger by the day. Even marriage seems like an old-fashioned, out-dated paradigm today. Still, I have felt the ache to nurture children all my life. It isn’t something I was brainwashed to do - I was born with this predilection, this tendency, this propensity. Am I old-fashioned? Ridiculously repressed? Nope. It’s just me. Would I drag women out of the workplace to stay home and raise babies? I’ve been bringing home the bacon for 30 years. So no. But I would sure trade somebody for that life. Ha! The grass is always greener...

So after years and years of waiting and working, it was on March 11, 2006 that I knelt across an alter from my best friend, Andy Hunsaker to be sealed to him “for time and all eternity.” The officiator admonished us, as they do to all couples, to “finish the work of the Lord by multiplying and replenishing the Earth.” There was nothing I wanted more than to create my own tribe at that point and time was running out. But hurdle one? Done!

Silly me. I had already obtained my bachelor's degree from the university of patience and I didn’t even know it. Was I ready to do the rest “in God’s time too?”

  

Recipe for Chapter 2

Patience  and Long-Suffering Bread

3 cups of All Purpose Flour

1/2 tsp Active Dry Yeast - no more than that. It can be “fast acting” too if you want.

1 ½ tsp salt

1 ½ cups hot water

Mix dry ingredients together in a big bowl and add hot water. Dough will be sticky and shaggy. Leave it in the bowl and seal the bowl off with plastic wrap. Leave the bowl on the counter for 3 - 8 hours. Patience!

Let’s say that you forgot about it and left it there for eight hours - who cares! That’s okay. This bread will have patience for you too.

Once the waiting is over and the dough has risen to about double in size, turn your oven on to 450 degrees and pre-heat a 6 quart cast iron dutch oven. Once the oven is ready gently roll the dough out onto a well-floured surface. DO NOT KNEAD IT. The dough will be loose, fluffy and bubbly. All you are going to do at this point is gently shape it into a ball and then place the ball of dough on a piece of 11’ x 18” parchment paper.

Carefully pull the corners of the parchment paper up and lift the dough ball down into your pre-heated dutch oven. Seal the lid on tight. You can let the paper stick out. Bake, covered for 30  minutes. Uncover and bake for another 10 - 15 minutes until the top is golden to dark brown. Let it sit out the dutch oven, for about 5 minutes before you cut it.

Eat. It. All. With. Butter.

The pay-off is incredible. The best things come to those who wait.

---

^[1] Our Hearts Knit As One, Henry B. Eyring, Ensign, November, 2009

^[2] Article of Faith #13

^[3] Alma 7:23

^[4] “Why Marriage, Why Family,” Elder D.Todd Christofferson, Ensign, May 2015

Homework Assignment for Chapter 2

I know you're going to think I'm nuts, but read D. Todd Christofferson’s conference talk (May, 2015) “Why Marriage, Why Children.” 

1. Write down how you feel about your role in the Plan of Salvation:

#LoveWins

Is anyone else taking up space on the DVR with Sister Wives? I'm addicted to it. Not sure why...fascinated by another TLC reality show I guess, except this reality is a little too close to home and it raises the hair on the back of my neck sometimes. I first started watching because it was about a family from Lehi, Utah where I grew up. I recognized the neighbors yard and called my sister who lives in the same part of town. She said "Yes - it's being filmed down the street and their kids are in my kids classes at school." I was hooked instantly, waiting for it to be the next TLC train wreck. 

When Big Love came out, the HBO series about a man with three wives, I followed the news about it, including the episode where one of the characters wore her sacred temple clothes and enacted portions of the endowment ordinance. I can't speak for all Mormons but the Utah crowd cried out in vain. (Even though it wasn't about their religion. Not sure why everyone got so uptight about it.) However, I think if you know that a religion would rather not expose their most sacred ordinances to the public... out of respect, you might think twice about airing that information. Out of respect. But ratings are ratings. Tom Hanks (the producer) disappointed me. That was lazy T.V. Quick to entertain, quick to raise some eyebrows, big ratings, but sad for those that consider those ordinances sacred. Kudos to Cody Brown for not televising his last marriage ceremony on TV. He said "we consider that a sacred ceremony not to be put before public scrutiny." Brilliant! Not only did they get to hold the ceremony in private, but the entire nation of viewers got to fill in the blanks with their sick and twisted imaginations. Even better. Great for ratings, TLC.

Apostolic United Brethren (the religion of the Sister Wives) is not affiliated with the Mormons, though they believe in the Book of Mormon. Just as any religion that was ever created has also spawned disgruntled sects of that religion, the Book of Mormon is a powerful testament of Jesus Christ and has it's fair share of believers that don't call themselves "Mormon." Last week we were in Nauvoo, Illinois, and we learned that in the 1840's, 8 religious groups branched off of the original LDS church. The polygamists believe that John Taylor, the third President of the Mormon church kept a small group of men ordained to carry on the principle of polygamy. I mean...great... if you love stress and multiple "Honey-do" lists. Do you think Cody Brown runs to the store for tampons, bread and milk several times a day? Do you think he loves doing yard work on 4 homes or going to 20+ kids piano recitals? NO! I think he's too busy running back and forth between homes. I think Cody is a raving lunatic to take all that upon himself and still feel like he can be available to all of those people ever day when they need him. But it's a sacred tenet of their religion and he appears to be doing his best to uphold it. I'm happy to watch his show like an addict and he's happy to let TLC pay for his culdesac. 

Confession! I have come to really like their family! Jeanelle is definitely my favorite wife. You go girl! I'm really proud of the Browns for always pointing out (for what its worth) that they are not mainstream Mormons. They obviously don't want to be mainstream because in the mainstream Mormon church you can only have one wife at a time. Now, there was a time...but that's a crazy can of sour gummy worms that can be opened by someone who cares more than I do. However, when I see similar artwork in their house and mine, pictures of Joseph Smith and hear them reading from the Book of Mormon, it makes me nervous that people group all of us with a Joseph Smith background into one goofy group. (Through a TLC filter, no less!) None of us are crazy. We're just abiding by the tenets of our faith. Though after a week on Facebook after the new ruling on same-sex marriage, I can honestly say that some of us are pious pinheads. 

Andy and I have had the amazing opportunity to work together, in the same school, for our entire married life. I see him all morning, we eat lunch together every day and we go home together...every day. Now for some, this might seem like torture. But not to us. As I write this Andy is coming over to my dorm room at the National Theatre Conference just to see me because he had to judge a competition this morning and hasn't seen me since breakfast. It's sickeningly sweet isn't it? I am so lucky and I know it.

Could I share Andy with someone else? Could I sit on a couch with other women and Andy in the middle without being next to him, holding his hand?

N.o. 

I never have been good at sharing my stuff. I'm an oldest child of eight. If it has my name on it, leave it alone. I just can't imagine sharing my husbands secrets, insecurities, body fluids... with three or four other women. And that's okay. I don't have too. And because I feel like I am a mainstream Mormon with a modern sensibility of sorts, I'm truly okay with those that have multiple wives. It's true. I don't really care. Be married to four men too if you want! Or someone of your own sex. The sanctity of my marriage will not be determined by the Browns or by the gays or by anyone but me, my husband and God. What denigrates marriage is people like Brittany Spears or the Kardashians 17 week/minute marriages that make a mockery of committed love. Cody Brown seems ultimately committed to all of his wives and his children. He runs from house to house; he's not walking. In my book that is committed love and a big family usually equals...pardon the pun, BIG LOVE. Kids need a family bunker in today's war against them no matter how many siblings they have to share their dad with (at least they have and know their dad.) I can't imagine my life without my seven siblings. They are, collectively, my support system and safety net. 

I admit that I am only seeing the family through the lens of the TLC camera, but I wish the Browns every success. It looks like its working. That's that key for me. Does a relationship promote peace, love and the welfare of the community? If causing extra gossip and judgement in the neighborhood is the only detriment to having a polygamous, same-sex or unmarried couple next door, then shame on us. 

It's been an interesting couple of weeks in the marriage department for the United States as a whole, hasn't it? Allowing same-sex marriages as a constitutional right has gotten half of my Facebook friends projecting their profile pics through a rainbow filter and the other half crying all kinds of apocalyptic doom and gloom...it was heartbreaking see some of my Uber-religious Facebook friends (Mormon and not) and acquaintances post such vitriol. Then to see the backlash from the gay community in ugly expletives and stinky in-your-face sarcasm...GAH!!!! I finally just had to shut it down.  Ironically, we spent the same week studying the history of the LDS church as they were pushed out of town after town, then building the second largest city in Illinois at the time - the City Beautiful (Nauvoo), only to watch their prophet be murdered, and witness their temple burn as they walked away to cross the plains to escape more torture. I watched so many people quickly forget what it is like to be the oppressed.

We need to remember that Facebook is an international site. While it is our right as a people to fight for what we believe in, we must respect both sides of the fight on behalf of peace in the community and for our children. It will all work out. I don't believe that the expanded rights that were given to all citizens of this country will affect my marriage. I hope it will positively affect my cake decorating business, ;-) and my gay friends are enjoying a new level of social acceptance that, I pray, will decrease the bullying, the discrimination and the suicides over time. Remember Mormons - what we asking our gay brothers and sisters is an awful lot.  That One Blog about Mormons and Homosexuality

The definition of marriage in my world is a religious ceremony called "a sealing." It's specific to my church and my worthiness to participate in it. There are enough words in the ceremony to appease the civil requirements, but the rest of the ceremony is as expansive as all eternity and as simple as the word "Yes." In addition to connecting us together civilly for all those worldly benefits, Mormons believe that this ceremony "seal" us spiritually, to our spouse forever. I mean...today and an infinity of tomorrows. I will be bugged that Andy lets our dogs chew up his black socks from now to endless nows. 

If I had a sister-wife, there might be less black socks on the floor. If I had a sister-wife at home during the day, I could relax at night and not worry about laundry or if we have clean underwear or what needs to be ironed for the next day. Our dogs might not be feral. Our garden might have less weeds. Our mail pile might magically disappear. I might be able to come home to a cooked meal instead of standing in front of the open freezer...crying. 

I guess I'll just have to cry. I'm always going to work, there will always be black socks and I'm not willing to share Andy. But now is the time for us to show what we are really made of and stop the ugly judgments and the passive aggressive posts about how the "Mormons are squirming now!" or "Satan's army is getting a grip on us!" What we don't see is Satan smiling as we both piously push "post." 

#LoveWins.

That's "Celibate" not Celebrate.

Spoiler alert: I just came back from seeing the historical thriller, The Imagination Game. Instead of being moved by this man that invented the first computer during World War II, consequently cracking the enigma code and saving 14 million lives, I was sobbing because of the way this war hero had been treated in 1945 after he had obviously helped the allies win the war. At the end of the film, they flashed the information that this brilliant scientist had committed suicide; undoubtedly, it was implied, because in Britain at the time homosexuality was against the law and he had been convicted of gross indecency for it and sentenced to prison. However, he opted for chemical castration rather than imprisonment. While suffering this indignity, he could not think, could not focus on his cutting-edge computer science work and consequently died just a year into his sentence – at his own hand.

I guess I’m writing today to the 76+ countries in the world where homosexuality is still against their laws. I guess I’m also writing to the people I was standing behind on our way out of the movie that I overheard say “it was such a good movie, except why did they have to put in all that crap about him being gay?” I wondered why the postlude at the end of the movie didn’t make you cry too.

I obviously belong to a religion that struggles with these “modern sensibilities” (a phrase I have been using lately.) I was asked by one of my beloved children (a student) one day “Do you hate me because I’m gay? To which I responded “Do you hate me because I’m Mormon?” He helped me understand that he would always be gay, and I helped him understand that I would always be Mormon. We both decided we loved each other and maintain a priceless relationship to this day.

So here goes…

One of the hardest things about being single in the Mormon church is that we are asked to be celibate until we're married.  

That's right. Celibate. I said. Not Celebrate. Contrary to what some people think about us we celebrate everything. This is c.e.l.i.b.a.t.e. until we are married legally. 

Usually the word celibate is connected to Catholic priests and nuns and followed by "those poor men and women...what a sacrifice they make, their whole lives." And there is some kind of revered holiness surrounding that decision that we feel for them. Some kind of pedestal. Right?

Except when I think of Catholic nuns I think of the Nunsense series of musicals by Dan Goggin and I instantly crave donning my habit to "sing out Louise!" I've got the best memories of playing “Sister Robert Anne” about four or five times, I've forgotten. All those feather boas, the tap shoes, the Bingo games with the audience and the CTR ring prizes (Catholics Totally Rule). Obviously it was musical theatre for me and not a convent.

But from age 18 to age 41 it felt like it none the less. 

It was lonely. Some crying...no...a lot of crying. Usually at night and anytime the bed felt larger or colder than it was. I got into a habit of falling asleep in my Laz-y-boy in front of the T.V. at night to avoid the vacant bed. That way, if I staggered to the bed later I wouldn’t have time to think about how empty it was before I had collapsed into my coma. If I got into the bed too soon the loneliness would wrap its creepy, cold arms around me and shake me all night keeping me awake with questions...wondering what was going to happen to me if I didn't find someone to share my life with? Who was going to help me out in my old age? Should I put more money into my retirement so I could afford to hire someone to take care of me? Should I build a house with just one bedroom or three, why three, maybe just one big one…okay two, I should have hope at least. Should I have my eggs frozen now? (Just kidding, I never thought that. BECAUSE I WAS D.U.M.B. and should have thought that but I was an idiot. I SOOO wish I had thought about that then. I digress.) The dialogue I had with myself never stopped.

When you are single you don’t have anyone to talk to on a regular basis and as you ask yourself all these questions all the time, the REALLY big question started to haunt me: what will happen when I started talking back out loud to the voices in my head? Will someone commit me to a psychiatric hospital? Should I just do that now to prevent the inevitable and at the very least save my family from having to do it?

Here’s my really big idea.

God did not intend for us to be alone.

Okay. It’s not a really big idea, nor is it even new or innovative in any way.

In His wisdom He said “celibacy sucks.” It sure does. Why not make two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together, give them the desire to seek out that union and from that union, we’ll surprise them with children. Surprise! Or in Andy’s and my case, just someone to talk to, go to movies with and prevent my being checked into a rubber room.

Let me say this before I go on, this is something I truly believe:

“It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you say it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - These are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

So many of my spiritual brothers and sisters are struggling to live in the Mormon church as single celibate Latter-day Saints. My single friends that are holding to the iron rod of the gospel come in several categories. (All of them, future Gods and Goddesses.) I speak from my life experiences only! The celibate singles in MY life are: women out of their twenties who have never married and are still actively (or not) seeking a partner, divorced women who have lost their loyal husbands to adultery in various forms and finally, gay men. You heard me. I haven’t had a single male friend that is straight, that hasn’t endured his celibacy for longer than a year or two after a difficult divorce. I’ve known female friends (and acquaintances) divorce their husbands because they themselves have left the church, or they’ve had affairs themselves but their ex-husbands have been married within one or two years after the divorce. The same is true for the men I’ve known that leave their wives or get thrown out of their houses…I see their wedding invitations in the mail less than a year later. Always. We got one today! I don’t renounce their opportunity to be in a loving relationship, but I gotta wonder… is celibacy really harder on men or are women just more cautious learners? ;-)

See, I can name two dozen female Facebook friends over 30, and a hundred more over 20, off the top of my head that are living celibate lives as they believe to be commanded by God to do so. The only celibate male friends I have are gay Mormons “fighting the fight” as we straight Mormons like to say. Heaven bless them. I pray for them every day because I remember how hard it was for me all those years and YET… I used to be SOOOO BUGGED that we always tended to have more empathy for them than we do for the single sisters in our church that are celibate as well and have been for decades and decades (ode to a beloved Mormon friend who has played Mother Superior to my Robert Anne many times and is ten years my senior and still not married. We’ve had this conversation many times). I just couldn’t figure out why we felt so badly for the gays and kept telling the single ladies “in due time…in due time.”

I used to say “I’m celibate too! I’ve been celibate for 40 years and I’m probably going to be celibate for 40 more and they’re not the only ones that have been asked to be lonely!!” Have you ever said that? Yeah, I used to say that and only that. It used to seem like that was the answer. Don’t stop reading the blog now…there is a moment of enlightenment coming up.

In my mind, the issue of whether or not the Mormon church would allow gay Latter-day Saints in its doors has never been an issue for me. Half the men that sang at my mission farewell were gay returned missionaries. I know a few openly gay men that still go to church, still paid their tithing, still prayed for the answers like we all do. Before my enlightenment, the issue was only about celibacy.

And patience.

Isn’t it always about patience and waiting for further light and knowledge from the Lord?

I have a few gay male friends that are living celibate lives. I have a few thousand female friends that are living celibate lives. I exaggerate…for effect…but not much. I now realize that their search for happiness is certainly different and that’s what all the hullaballoo is about. And that is my newest really big idea:

          My female friends search with hope which increases faith and my male friends just…w.a.i.t. for further light and knowledge. The single, female Latter-day Saint uses her hope to be sealed in the temple and have children one day. But the single, gay, latter-day saint must wait for…for Christ to come? The gay Latter-day Saint certainly doesn’t wait for his/her homosexual feelings to go away as some LDS people still think is possible. I’m pretty sure that that isn’t possible in this life. I’m not sure about the next one. (I’m waiting patiently and praying for further light and knowledge.) Searching and waiting…two very different things.

Can you see why there are tears of a different kind, patience to a different extent, sorrow on a different level, and the need for faith of a different magnitude? Can you see why the numbers of faithful single gay Saints in the church are so small?

Can you see why they need our love and support more than ever and not our shunning and banishment? They aren’t building faith on the same level as the rest of us. We are asking them to be a.l.o.n.e. for the rest of their lives in order to demonstrate their obedience. I laud them for their strength of heart and conviction.

Though I have been friends and have taught dozens of amazing men that struggle with their decision to come out, I still have no idea the depth of that loneliness.

As a faithful Latter-day Saint who lives and works in a world populated heavily with homosexual men, I have been asked to write this blog more than once. I have always said apathetically “it’s none of my business.” How could I do it without offending my beloved gay friends or broaching my own testimony of the living prophets who have said that homosexuality is a trial and a temptation that must be endured and not acted upon?  

What would Jesus do?

Because that’s what I should do.

In one of Thomas S. Monson’s April Conference talks entitled “Love - The Essence of the Gospel,” he says:

My beloved brothers and sisters, when our Savior ministered among men, He was asked by the inquiring lawyer, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” Matthew records that Jesus responded:

“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Mark concludes the account with the Savior’s statement: “There is none other commandment greater than these.”

We cannot truly love God if we do not love our fellow travelers on this mortal journey. Likewise, we cannot fully love our fellowmen if we do not love God, the Father of us all. The Apostle John tells us, “This commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.” We are all spirit children of our Heavenly Father and, as such, are brothers and sisters. As we keep this truth in mind, loving all of God’s children will become easier.

I would hope that we would strive always to be considerate and to be sensitive to the thoughts and feelings and circumstances of those around us. Let us not demean or belittle. Rather, let us be compassionate and encouraging. We must be careful that we do not destroy another person’s confidence through careless words or actions.

Forgiveness should go hand in hand with love. In our families, as well as with our friends, there can be hurt feelings and disagreements. Again, it doesn’t really matter how small the issue was. It cannot and should not be left to canker, to fester, and ultimately to destroy. Blame keeps wounds open. Only forgiveness heals." [end quote]

My brothers and sisters that feel isolated from the church you love…I’m sorry that is your experience and you have obviously been treated badly by bad people that call themselves Latter-day Saints. They are stupid. They act in a way not organically born of the gospel principles because they obviously don’t embrace the gospel principles. They aren’t listening to President Monson. I don’t know where they get their information. Case in point, my mother-in-law is from Australia and she converted when she was 19. She married an LDS boy and his very LDS mother told her that she (my husband's mom) would never have the opportunity to reach the highest degree of heaven because that was only reserved for those that grew up in Utah. WHAAAT?!?! I nearly died when I first heard that. In my naiveté, I guess I thought everyone in the church was on the same track. I hope someone is teaching her the truth right now, God rest her soul.

You see, when you hear the stories of families that are kicking their gay children out of the house, or stories of people that won’t take the sacrament from certain young priesthood holders…that stuff isn’t right. 

It's just not right.

But I hear and read Facebook posts all the time from bitter former members of the church that are absolutely vitriolic about the LDS Church’s stance on…whatever it is…homosexuality, women holding the Priesthood, etc… Both camps that are waving the flags of these issues must remember LOVE. Love is the very essence of Godliness.

Please know that we aren’t all like that. Please know that we don’t all live in that little bubble. Also know, from my point of view, you won’t convince the LDS church to change its policies with your badgering or your civil disobedience and negative posts on Facebook. The people reading your Facebook posts already love you. We just wonder why you would try to offend us, when we are trying so hard to love you? (I speak only to a few of you – just as there are a few ridiculous Latter-day Saints out there too.) I get really tired of the posts that begin “Mormon church..blah, blah, blah… hates the gays….hates women…blah, blah, blah…

Can’t we all just be like Jesus? And if you aren’t a Christian anymore, you can still be like Jesus. He was a good guy. Ethics exist even if they aren’t religiously based. Right? That’s what you always tell me.

So let’s review what Jesus would do…are you with me?!

1. Don’t judge.

We all have but one “judge in Israel.” If we open our hearts to someone different than ourselves, we will begin to feel the kind of Christ-like love the Savior has for us. He doesn’t choose who to love. We must strive to remember the mote in our own eyes.

We are in no position to say who has God-like potential and who doesn’t. We all do. By shutting off our superiority complex we can be a force for good. We do the opposite and all we’re doing is shattering the first and second great commandments.

2. Be sincerely understanding and connected to every child of God no matter their sexuality. Open your heart.

I’ve heard a few of us say “If I was that kid’s parent…” We don’t know what those parents have gone through. We all choose our battles. I watched a video on LDS.org called Tonya's Story. Let me tell you - I learned so much from Tonya! One thing stood out to me as a light in my darkness. She said "

I read an article on Facebook about a member of a congregation that would not take the sacrament from a teenage boy that professed to be gay. Wow. If I was that boy, I would run so far and so fast. The fact that he is in church at all should be what we are celebrating.

3. Be patient. Time will tell.

The longer we are patient the more our understanding will increase. Take a deep breath and leave this hard stuff to God. Quit worrying about it out loud (I’m talking to you, lady at the theatre) and use your energy to serve, love and learn. I’ve no doubt that one day the windows of heaven will open and we will all know the great and glorious plan of God in its entirety.

4. Stopping trying to change to each other.
I have heard all of the following things more than once:

a. “I’ll bet if they married a woman (or man if they are a Lesbian), they would eventually learn to love her/him.” And eventually destroy their spouses life. Yep. I’ve seen that scenario so many times that it hurts.

b. “Isn’t there some kind of therapy that will take the gay away?” No. I’m betting the Church and all those countries in which homosexuality is still illegal, has tried every degrading, inhumane therapy there is to “solve” the problem. I, personally, don't think it can be solved - nor needs to be. 

c. “They don’t know what they’re missing!” GAH! They would probably say the same thing to us.

d. “If they pray hard and long enough, their temptations will go away.” See #B above. Sexuality itself isn’t a temptation. It’s part of your hormonal makeup. What I have learned from my students and friends is that they didn’t learn it or contract it. It was always there. Case in point – I once had a student that was cast as a leading man in a musical I was directing. He was distraught and pulled me into my office to ask me if I could re-block the stage kiss somehow. He was having such anxiety about kissing a woman. He asked me simply, “what if I asked you to kiss a woman on stage?” I couldn’t deny I would be fraught with anxiety as well. But his plight made it real for me. I answered him with a question in return “why did you audition if you knew what was ahead?” He said he hoped he could talk me out of it when it was too late to re-cast it. Stupid kid. We both learned a lot that day. Gosh, I love him and I learned so much from him that day. I'm so grateful.

5. Love anyway. We all know better!

1 John 4: 18 – 21; The Holy Bible

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

19 We love him, because he first loved us.

20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

21 And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

But I am willing to bet my life that Heavenly Father will soon bring us a multitude of answers and exquisite blessings as a reward for our patience.

I survived my celibacy because I knew my relationship with God was more important. I knew I had made promises to Him and I wanted to honor those covenants. Could I do that my whole life? Let’s pretend I didn’t marry the world’s greatest man. I’m sure I could. I have many examples to follow and I’m very competitive with myself. I would want to meet that challenge considering the things I have been promised that lie ahead of me if I can endure to the end. I love a big trophy, after all. 

Addendum...

For those sweet sisters out there that also have same-sex attraction...I have read your comments and I understand you are wondering why I haven't addressed you specifically. I apologize...my blog is about my life and experiences in the church and that's it. Its a very small perspective, and I'm no expert. Ever. I write about what I know. Because of the nature of my life and my job, I have had an overwhelming opportunity to get to know and love the male gay community. I can assume that your trials are equally difficult. I'm sorry and I pray every day that we as a nation and a religion will honor your challenge with love and understanding. 

Ladies in Waiting: World-Wide Pants

Note: I am still uploading blogs that were written a long time ago and put on hold. SO you will notice that the topic is out of date to say the least. But anyway...I often get asked to use my blog as a public forum for politically charged Mormon topics and usually I refrain because my answer is always the same "love each other." But this one seemed to hit me in my "sore spot" and I couldn't resist. This is not going to be anything you haven't heard at this point. Nothing new to add. I don't deny anyone the right to exhibit their dissatisfaction with the Mormons, least of all the Mormons themselves. I have a half finished blog about the Ordain Women Movement, but the vapor coming off of it is still too green and stinky things should sit a while before being touched. Stay tuned for that.

Recently a group of Mormon feminists unleashed an idea on Facebook and other social media that was an effort to bring attention to the gender inequities in the church. I read somewhere - "to build power by exhibiting a small external sign to the leadership in the church that we are tired of the inequities."

They wanted us to all wear pants to church.

I was asked by [a reader] if I would express my support via this blog. I swallowed hard. Then I thought about it. No need to overreact if I didn't need to.

Right out of the chute I wanted to take over their cause (That's the marketing director in me...because I thought it could use a little re-direction... hehehe...why is that always my first instinct? And why does it seem like these groups are always so much younger than me?) Did they have a mission statement? Who was at the helm? Pants? Really, just pants? It sounded like some out of control book club idea. By the time I was asked to participate it sounded nuts. It had lost its clarity. Did the greatest path to gaining perceived equality involve a passive aggressive movement? "...A small external sign..." Yeah, right. That was surely inviting ridicule... 

And it did. And death threats. (REALLY, MORMONS?)

I admit...I didn't do my research before I balked. I posted a snarky comment on my Facebook page. Shame on me. I would never deny anyone the opportunity to use a little "protest" as a way to bring attention to something. But...p.a.n.t.s? It felt a little like burning your bras in church, but not as dramatic and fun to watch. Can't I just go to my leadership and express my concern? I could throw my support behind something like a worldwide "...listen, bishop..."

But they felt..."oppressed" she said to me, "...this is our way of bringing attention to the inequalities that lie within the budgets of the church. We are begging for transparency..."  etc....

I have always felt like a "liberated" woman. When I was a kid the news was full of "women's liberation." I thought it wasn't my issue because my mom was such a strong woman. She could do anything. I felt sorry for them because I thought that's what it was - women who felt weak and imprisoned so they needed to be liberated. I thought they were all in jail and they needed someone to let them all out, but that's a problem for the inventors of the movement. A marketing issue if you will. Again...choose a better catch phrase, though I must say it did put the whole era right up there in the history of the world with the Continental Congress and Michael Jackson (before he went nuts.) I am infinitely grateful to the work of those women from Elizabeth Cady Stanton on because I have been an independent working woman since I was 16...and who's kidding who...just because I'm married now does not make me less independent. My handcart seems ultimately heavier now than it ever did when I was single. Right?

I asked my mother WHY they burned their bras and she said "because they're dumb...bras are expensive." That was about the extent of our conversations on women's lib. I wasn't really wearing a bra yet so it befuddled me a little. However, when Jean Partridge, my English teacher for a bunch of years, talked about symbolism I finally got it. Symbols were heavy things. They had intrinsic value. Families carried their crests around on flags heavy with the symbols that gave them value and in turn power.

If the bra is the symbol of a woman, it's because breasts, though not always equal, have always been the great equalizer. Consider the women of the Renaissance. No political power at all, but why do you think they wore those whale boned corsets? It wasn't because they were comfortable. It was a reminder to their men: Don't forget that I have what you want. Woman have always used them as a good source of power. (I know I do. ;-O) 

There are so many tangible things that I have turned into symbols that I put value in...

1. The Written Language/Books. I can't throw books away and I can't put them on the floor or touch them with my feet. I picked that last part up from the Thais. The mere act of putting something as ethereal as thought on paper, permanently for all to know, makes every book ever written sacred to me somehow.

I own a lot of books. Though it isn't the symbol of knowledge to me because I rarely feel smarter having read a book, most times it opens the door inside of me entitled "See How Much You Don't Know - COME IN." I feel joy at having read someone else's thoughts. It's the purest kind of creativity and it doesn't require money, status or much education. Though education does elevate the thought process and I love that too...some of my greatest relaxation has come from reading cheap teenage fiction. I'm grateful to find something that takes my mind to another place sometimes. And if I remember right, men and women both have a brain. That's God's way of equalizing us.

2. My old car has intrinsic value and great symbolism. Andy and I dubbed it "Norah" because we used to listen to Norah Jones CD's and make out in it before we got married. I bought it right after I had a terrible engagement break-up as a kind of reward for getting through that. I paid for the whole thing myself when I was single and it will forever symbolize overcoming weakness, hard work and success to me. I bought it in 1997 and I still drive it every day. It has been a good friend. It drives me to work, waits all day to take me home and has for 17+ years. Men and women can both drive whatever car they want.

3. The cross. I feel the weight of this symbol through the tree that gave it's life to have that awful responsibility through no fault of its own. I'm that girl that loved Bob Ross and the "happy little trees and flowers." So I have a weird sorrow for the tree, and a kind of reverence for it's sacrifice. And I know it would disdain the result of it's fame as a mechanism for death. Though human thought, manifesting its ugly power was the real cause of the death, that tree stood tall and accepted its fate. If the Mormons saw it my way, I'd probably have a drawer full of crosses.

4. Bridges. I love them. For me, they symbolize people coming to together and two sides of something agreeing to work together. I also love that they usually cover deep revenues of water or canyons, another great symbol of man conquering an obstacle by using creative thought.

4.   Dresses. It was not until I was in second grade that Alpine School District lifted the policy on girls having to wear dresses to school. I've told you about the incident where I was high riding the "Witches Hat" on the playground and some boy reached up and pulled my underwear to my knees. It was right about then that Women's Liberation was in full bloom, though the mini-skirt was all the rage at the time which is strangely ironic to me. It's probably safer for girls to wear pants to school however, pants can come off just as easily at school as a dress I suppose. ;-) (Remembering the reason we no longer watch Glee.)

Now, we aren't required to wear dresses to church. It's just what we do, here in America...D.R.E.S.S. up. It's a symbol of respect. So whatever your culture deems "Sunday best" works for me. In my culture, it's a dress for women and a tie for men, for whatever reason and on varying levels of "formal." It has certainly evolved. We aren't Downton Abbey that's for sure. Most Americans wear dresses to formal occasions like weddings, funerals, graduations...Vanna White wears dresses to change the letters on Wheel of Fortune and no celebrity would walk the Red Carpet without some kind of couture gown. You know, in the 18 or so PROMS I've been to in my life, I've very rarely seen a pair of pants. 

Would we do less for the Godhead?

So every Sunday morning I dig through my humble collection of gray and brown tweed just-above- the-ankle-length (because I have bad veins - not because I'm some kind of fundamentalist) skirts and a white shirt and hey! it's cool enough to add a cardigan! (and I have about 27) and go to my worship services. It's not Christian Dior, but it's Christian Du' Jour and it humbles me enough to sit in front of the sacred sacrament table and beg for forgiveness of my sins, which are abundant. My level of dress, directly affects my level of humility. My humility, directly affecting my level of preparation to receive the spirit.

Still, there is no church policy on what we wear to church. I've seen some crazy things worn to church but usually it involves prom dresses and wilting corsages. I just LOVE it when the prom dress is strapless and the old ladies in the ward are whispering about why the bishop allowed his daughter to wear her strapless prom dress to church! (Truly, I'm just impressed that they are IN CHURCH the day after prom. Way to go!!! The bishop is probably just as glad!) Last week I saw a sweet old man in Sunday School wearing a brown suit coat and navy pants and I thought "Ahhh...his wife died and I'll bet he's color blind." We don't ridicule...we should NEVER ridicule or judge anyone for what they wear to church. I have been in sacrament meetings around the world, in the humblest conditions, where few members of the congregation were even wearing shoes (or bras for that matter) and I have felt the spirit stronger there than anywhere on earth. 

So what? Let me re-focus...

What did this young group of women want again... "to build power by exhibiting a small external sign to the leadership in the church that we are tired of the inequities." But it didn't turn out small did it? There were a few women in our hipster Salt Lake ward that wore pants that day. They huddled together. They laughed a little too loudly...I heard one woman say, "This is what I wear to work!" I was not friends with that group, they are much younger than I am and well, I work too much to have any real friends unless you are in a play with me. Why was I SOOOOO bugged at them? I did not want to be a hypocrite, a judger. Let them wear what they want. I just want my one day off a week to be peaceful...THAT'S IT!!! 

I was just irritated that this group willfully chose a world-wide distraction on the day when the real reason I go to church is to focus on worship and reaffirming my covenants with my D.I.E.T.Y. If I had a problem with inequity I would approach it on a Tuesday, over the fence, with cookies and a jug of chocolate milk:

"Hey, bishop..."

But then again, I have never felt oppressed because I was born a Mormon woman. Does that mean it doesn't exist? Heavens no. I've always hated that argument as well: just because I don't feel oppressed doesn't mean oppression doesn't exist....but in my Mormon neighborhoods I have only seen Mormon women raised on pedestals and families fighting the world to stay together and love each other. Oppression is always wrong. If you feel that you are being oppressed because you "have to" stay home and raise your kids, and it makes you feel subordinate to your husband, I'll trade you. This is my blog and this is my issue - I would LOVE to be at home raising kids - I would KILL to get up and make pancakes for my bunch of kids every morning. KILL. But that's not my lot in life. The grass is always greener, isn't it?

I digress. 

"Men (and women) are that they might have joy." When I feel true joy I am max-ing out the measure of my creation. I feel that it is God's way of liberating me from within. 

Everything else takes care of itself when you are truly liberated from within. Remember, this is coming from someone who has worked full-time since she was 16, didn't marry until she was 40+ and had eight miscarriages. I am just now coming to terms with the fact that the measure of my creation is different from my sisters. Just now. I'm right in the middle of it.

I am a child of GOD. He is my power from within. He liberates me. 

I assert that it is not a change in our outside appearance that gives us strength. It is a power from within. I see it in all my sisters, this way of thinking: that personal sacrifice isn't sacrifice at all but and investment in yourself and others. It is fulfilling the measure of your creation in every way possible...from within. Lots of things come from within. Knowledge, creativity, babies are created within. The priesthood is a power from within. All power we are given and that is expressed from within, is used at its best when used for the good of the world, for the good of the family. 

Does this mean that you should sacrifice all that you are for those around you? 

What will we have left to give? We have to also take care of ourselves. Oxygen mask on ourselves first!

I assert that this is where all of these feelings of oppression come from. 

FROM OURSELVES.

We Mormon women are such martyrs. We are. We guilt ourselves into saying yes to everything and serve everyone and spend every ounce of ourselves on everyone else because we believe that this will build us into the superwoman that we are to become. We see that we are not as good as the women down the block that are taking meals to people every other day, bottling their homegrown vegetables, reading "Jesus the Christ" in Hebrew and weaving the cloth for their children's school clothes and this drives us. It drives us alright...it drives us crazy.

Know what? WE ARE ALREADY SUPERWOMEN! And those women don't exist. 

If they do - tell them I have some bathrooms that need cleaning. 

I can't speak for them, but I can only speak for myself. Sometimes, I go to the movies with my husband when I should be doing laundry. Andy does more dishes than I do. He's also great at vacuuming. When we clean our house we each take a floor of the house and meet back at our chairs an hour later and fall asleep in them with one dog in each lap. When we first got married I used to have terrible guilt about making my husband clean "my house." 

But...

I got over it. 

Here's a favorite quote from another liberated woman:

“Many Mormon women do not have clear boundaries for themselves. They feel a sense of confusion about who they are, because many competing voices lay claim to them and they try to accommodate them all. For example, when I became a member of the Relief Society general presidency, I was appalled at how many women were tormented by guilt about their responsibilities as mothers. They seemed unable to see a boundary between themselves and their children. . . .

It is a strength for women to be able to cross their own boundaries easily when they are meeting the needs of their children and serving others, but it is a great disadvantage when they feel every call for service as an imperative which they are obligated to meet. Remember, a boundary has “yes” on one side and “no” on the other. A woman who never feels that she can say “no” is lacking an important element of personal identity and, hence, personal safety.”

Chieko Okazaki, (Former member of the Relief Society First Presidency) from her book "Boundaries"

So today I have to say "NO." I won't wear pants to church. Sorry. To my beloved reader that asked me to join the "Pants Cause," I love you but I just can't. I would be glad to talk to your group about what is really bothering you and re-marketing/directing your cause though. I'm old and I've seen so much happen for good!

Be patient. Things take time. Pray. It will all happen in its due time. Women are God's favorite after all!