Chapter 13 - Living in the Spirit

“Long before e-mail...cell phones and satellite dishes, computers and the Internet, this communication with your Heavenly Father was in place. It predates every type of networking invention today. Its power extends through the cosmos.”[1]

This is a question I ask myself constantly: Am I TRULY leading a life that makes me accessible to the will of my Heavenly Father? He cannot reach me through a wall of bitterness. There must always be hope. The veil of mortality is hard enough. Howard W. Hunter said:

“Not only should we be careful not to deprive others of blessings because of our wanderings in the wastelands of self-pity or self-recrimination, but we should be careful not to deprive ourselves of other blessings that could be ours. While waiting for promised blessings, one should not mark time, for to fail to move forward is to some degree a retrogression. Be anxiously engaged in good causes, including your own development.[2]

Howard W. Hunter

When I was 14, my mom and dad decided that I should probably lift my eyes from the Little House on the Prairie book series and get some social skills. I wasn't a pretty girl. More "Laura" than "Mary" if you know what I mean and if you don't, that's okay, but if you do...don't you just love those books? I was thick through the middle and very creative from all the reading. Because of the "in-house" training, I had received, taking Home Economics in high school seemed kind of redundant. My parents prayed to know what kinds of classes would help me bring my eyes up and out of a book. They signed me up for both drama and debate. Both classes lifted me to a place I can't fully describe. It was as if God had used his master key and had opened a gate for me that lead down a path clearly marked "GO THIS WAY."

So I did.

No surprise, those classes did lift me out of the Wisconsin wilderness. Those teachers taught me how to speak out loud without fear. Unremarkably, I now have degrees in both subjects. Unremarkably, I have been able to teach and direct thousands of young people as they come through my classroom looking for their tribe like I did back in 1978. Working in conjunction with The Spirit, my parents gave me a life.

It was back in 2010 that I was asked to address a group of mid-single Latter-day Saints at a fireside. The assigned topic was to inspire the crowd to keep taking faithful actions toward creating a celestial family. My husband and I had been married about 4 years by then and I felt, for the first time, completely out of place in the crowd. I was terrified. And yet - I knew exactly where their hearts were. I was in the throws of miscarriages and every day was a struggle to stay faithful. H

More women than men of course. I spoke of my past and how difficult it was as a single person to plan for my future because I wanted to make sure I was “available” in case Heavenly Father dropped a worthy priesthood holder in my lap. General laugh from the audience. I explained our crazy story and that my husband had indeed been in my life nearly every day but I just needed to be patient and do it all on God’s time. Blah, blah, blah...could I have been any more cliche?  

I spoke of the miscarriages and the faith it took to keep trying when we would rather spend our money on a trip to Hawaii. But time was not our friend and Hawaii would always be there. More general laughing from the audience.

Then I had a moment - you probably know the kind - it feels as if someone else has taken over your thoughts. I guess the world would say I “spoke from the heart.” I went off script which I never do. But the Spirit was so strong and I was willing to say what He needed me to say. It was as if He was pushing me aside and taking the podium.

He told them to fight loneliness which was Satan’s weapon of choice when he was around them. Stay near family. Put ward friendships on your priority list. Invite people into your home. Go to your ward outings. Initiate fun. Initiate big goals. Initiate service...

And then the word initiate came out of my mouth a dozen times or more. It was a big idea and I could not stop it. My mind was racing! It was right then that I realized an important truth had been given to all of us:

Do not wait for anything that you can initiate yourself.

It wasn’t tricky or deep in any way. I hadn’t written it down but I knew it to be true.

The secret to fighting loneliness isn’t having patience by waiting for life to come to you - it’s initiating the fight.

I got an email from a fabulous woman that was teaching adjunct Tap Dance at Brigham Young University. I felt as I was reading the email that she needed me. She needed to be involved in a musical I was working on at the time, even though she had missed auditions by just a few days. I felt the Spirit punch me. I wrestled with Him for a minute; I didn’t know her, she hadn’t auditioned, I didn’t know if she could do anything but tap dance. Could she even sing, what if she had a giant green nose and three eyeballs? What if she wasn’t telling the truth? But I could feel the Spirit in her words. It was honest. It was sweet. It was unmistakable.

She said:

“Hi Jan!   My name is Teri*.   I saw that you are the Director of the Hairspray show at the Scera in June, is this correct?   So exciting!!!... I have never officially been in a Musical, but I really want to start! ...I was SO sad that I just barely missed the cutoff for your Hairspray show auditions!  I don't really know how everything works or how you choose extras in the show...But I'd totally LOVE to just be a background dancer and do whatever you need to get my foot in the door! I’d love to just come and watch the whole process happen. I won’t get in the way, I promise.  Hahaha, I teach dance at BYU currently.  I have danced since I was 3 years old…”

She gave me her California background which included decades of dance training and a few private voice lessons. It was a two-page email! It made me laugh and think. No one had ever opened themselves up like that to me after auditions had already closed.

She ended with:

“Let me know your thoughts!... I have performed in so many dance shows over the years, but never an official full Musical.   Or if someone drops out or gets injured I would love to be considered!   Thanks!

She was putting herself out there and was willing to come and watch rehearsals just to be involved somehow. I thought that was very brave. So one full minute into my argument with the Spirit, and without consulting with my other artistic staff I wrote:

Dear Teri –

I love that you sent this!!!... I want to involve you of course! The show has been cast but can I add you to the ensemble? You would need to come to rehearsals this week. Let me know what you think.

Teri responded:

Really???   That would be amazing!!!    What times are the rehearsals?... I want to be in this show soooooo badly so I'm going to do everything I can to make it all work!!!   Thank you!  

Because I was involved in two shows at the same time, I wasn’t able to meet her in person but I told her that I would make the right connections for her and that she should just show up to rehearsal. I had never done this before.

I emailed my choreographer and I said,

“I know…I’m insane…I don’t even know who she is, but The Spirit punched me on this one and I just think she needs to be in the show…” (Working with other members of the church makes it easy to speak Latter-day Saint in times like these.)

I told her the whole story and apologized for not even consulting with her about it. After Teri’s first rehearsal my choreographer emailed me back:

“Teri came to rehearsal tonight and she is fantastic. She is everything she said she is. She learns the dances instantly. She’s smiley and we already love her.”

Well the next day, I happened across my new Facebook friend, Teri’s post from her perspective. Let me summarize it:

She wrote that she was so tired of playing the single game and she wanted to get off the dating wagon for a while and just enjoy her life. (She’s a genuine Lady in Waiting!) She had spent hours and hours on her knees pleading with the Lord to help her find something to do that would take her mind off the fact that she was lonely and tired of dating. She ran across a paper that was a few weeks old, announcing auditions for a local community theatre musical. She was disappointed that she had missed the auditions by just a few days. Still, she felt impressed by the Spirit to contact the director of the play (me) and find out if there was still room for her. She explained in the Facebook post that The Spirit was very strong and she was very nervous to put herself out there for that kind of rejection. (Ladies in Waiting know the stabbing pain of rejection all too well.) She explained in the Facebook post that the director answered her Facebook message with “let’s get you in the show.” She talked about her first rehearsal and how everyone was so nice and she was able to get caught up very quickly.  She bore her testimony on Facebook that God sees her, hears her, and “validates her righteous desires in miraculous ways.”

I read the Facebook post with reverence for the process at which God works. He works through us. If our channels are tuned to Him, we get those messages loud and clear. If we act on those promptings, WE CREATE amazing paths for each other. I firmly believe that this is a kind of service that we do for each other. My life doesn’t allow me to make quilts, sit with the sick and afflicted or any of those other signature service opportunities that I see others doing. But I can listen to The Spirit.  By keeping ourselves worthy to see and hear The Spirit, we open paths that God can walk. We create bridges over obstacles that God needs us to build so that He can answer your prayers, make those connections for you, and create your specific journey.

I have often looked back on my life and laughed as I have seen the hand of God in retrospect in my life. Identifying His presence in our lives will increase our trust in Him. Only then, we can tell our wayward children, friends, and disbelievers that it’s indeed God Himself who is in the details because we are able to look back and see it for ourselves.

If it’s not God, then who? (Rhetorical!)

I watched Teri at rehearsal, with her new friends and stellar confidence and I see her confidence in the Spirit because she trusts God. She went to him with an aching need. He came to me with her aching need. I felt it. I acted on it. I created a bridge over a simple thing like a missed audition because He asked me to. I have learned that ignoring those Spiritual nudges, punches, (I have to be punched most times) never works out for anyone’s good, especially my own. I needed Teri’s example AND the bonus is she added SOOOO much to our show!

So in addition to that admonition about listening to The Spirit, I learned another great lesson from Teri. She isn’t sitting home waiting for her life to come to her. She is creating her life! She is discovering new things, building new friendships, keeping her mind and body going, and having the time of her life. I get to see it every night. What an incredible example she has become to me (and she helped me with the tap dance number backstage one day and I needed it b.a.d.l.y.)

I will remind us all that the general population will tell us to go and get another hobby, and that’s fine, but within the life that we already live can we celebrate singularity, help others, do something you always said you would, and don’t forget to continually bear testimony to yourself.

Here’s a warning from just me - another waiter: Do not clutter up your life. Keep it simple. I’m the living breathing example of someone that spent too many years with too much to do and the relationships around me became secondary to the JOBS LIST that I had in my day planner. This is SATAN. I know now that I need to keep my life centered on my Heavenly Father by emulating Jesus Christ. I don’t need 12,000 things to do. I only need to feel productive (Maslow!) We will all feel that in a different way. When productivity feels like a prison and takes you away from relationships, that is Satan working hard to divert your attention from what will ultimately put you on the path of true happiness.

Shout out again to my friend Justin who says:

“The good news is, when it comes to the church, I feel like the church organization and members of the church are doing better and better when it comes to how they treat us “mid-singles." I’ve been really impressed with how I’ve been treated in the church since I turned 32 and had to leave the YSA program behind and return to a “conventional ward.” I’ve never felt disrespected or excluded because I’m that “weird single dude, who must have something wrong with him because he’s not married." Instead, it’s been the exact opposite. In both wards I’ve been in since leaving the YSAs, I’ve served as the elders quorum president and have never felt like less of a person because I’m not married. People talk to me, include me, and rely on me to serve. Women try to set me up with their daughters and single friends too, which is helpful and appreciated. Good things are happening in our church culture.”

I love this! Get up. Get out. Listen. Serve. Try. It applies to all of us.

Chapter 13 Recipe

The recipe is perfect for a giant party. Crepes can be made ahead and then everyone comes to the party with an ingredient to put inside the crepes. The Shelton family celebrates Spring strawberries with a crepe night for Family Home Evening. Just sayin’. Come on over, and bring whipped cream. We always run out of whipped cream.

Crepes for a Crowd

In a BIG blender combine:

4 cups milk

3 cups flour

4 T sugar

1/3 cup vegetable oil

½ tsp vanilla

4 eggs

Blend until smooth - about 1 minute. (The batter should be about the viscosity of maple syrup.)

In a non-stick frying pan, sprayed with non-stick spray, pour about ⅓ cup batter and move the pan around until the batter covers the bottom of the pan. Turn it over with a spatula when the edges appear golden brown.

Fill with anything and everything!

Here’s a checklist so that you can make assignments for your party:

❏    Cream Cheese Frosting (from chapter 11!)

❏    Nutella

❏    Bananas

❏    Strawberries

❏    Blueberries

❏    Blackberries

❏    Peaches

❏    Chocolate Chips

❏    Butterscotch Chips

❏    Marshmallows

❏    Shredded Coconut

❏    Powdered Sugar

❏    Peanut Butter

❏    Whipped Cream

❏    Nuts

❏    Caramel Topping

❏    Sprinkles

❏    Jams of every kind

 Chapter 13 Homework

The bucket list isn’t just for old people.

If we could choose to live in any period of time it is NOW! Even though there is staggering political chaos and constant economic uncertainty we have so much! Imagine a hundred years ago even when laundry was done by hand and bread was baked at home...every day. I imagine that singularity was a curse back then and despite it feeling like a curse sometimes now, it doesn’t have to be. We have incredible options.

Make a bucket list right here: (I’ll start it for you)

1. Attend a temple that isn’t on your continent
2. Eat your favorite food in the country of its origin
3. Take a community education class in a subject that you have always wanted to learn (for me, its painting)

Your turn -

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

---

^[1] Your Celestial Guide,  Sharon G. Larsen, Ensign, May 2001

^[2] “The Church is for All People,” Howard W. Hunter, Ensign, June 1989

Chapter 12 - Crying Out

CHAPTER 12 - Crying Out

         I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.
         He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock,             and established my goings.
         And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear,           and shall trust in the Lord[1].

A couple of days after miscarriage #5 (or was it 6?), I spent the entire night in our guest room kneeling against the bed in prayer, begging for peace of mind. I was there most of the night. Andy and I had been married 4 years and I felt like I was running underwater. That dang biological clock never stops. It never ever stops in your head. I could not stop worrying about the clock. Every day I would think “you have to keep trying, where is your faith Jan?” Every day I would cross off the calendar take my temperature, swallow the regiment of pills, snake oils and pray, pray, pray. Finally... the sun began to rise and this long night of wrestling with the Lord was nearly over. I had cried and begged and choked on my own slobber for hours. My knees were sore and carpet burned. My back ached. I was so dehydrated that I thought I would pass out. So I got up and sat on the edge of the bed and when I did, I heard it clear as a bell.... "s.t.o.p. w.o.r.r.y.i.n.g." 

I heard it over and over again. It was spilling into my head from ear to ear. It was resonating in my sinuses. It was like someone was trying to shout at me, quietly 

“S.t.o.p...s.t.o.p...s.t.o.p...s.t.o.p...s.t.o.p...worrying..stop worrying,” 

over and over again. I was not prepared for that answer. I felt such peace wrap around me. Someone had been listening to me! I felt them hear me. I rolled into the fetal position for another hour at least. The sun was up. I was calming down. I was wrestling with what it meant to stop worrying. One thing I knew for sure: Heavenly Father knew that I was seriously putting my faith forward. I knew I could not go forward without Him.

So much easier said than done.

Within a few days I was back at the guest bed. There was so much to worry about. What part of it could I give to Him? Should I go off the fertility treatments? Would it be safer for me mentally to go on birth control - just cut the head off the monster once and for all? Should we start the adoption process? Should I quit work and try to find some inner peace? (Yes - should have done that!) Should we get into the foster program? Should I try to go off sugar again, or caffeine, or gluten, or artificial sweeteners? Should we just ask one of my sisters to carry a baby for us? Should we...could we...what about...what if...what do you think about….????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 and then…...

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

but….

???????????????????????

???????

?

Only this time, an hour into the [very one-sided] conversation, I started hearing “STOP WORRYING” and it was as if I didn’t want to hear it so I just kept going. I realized I was behaving like some of my students do when I’ve given them an answer they don’t like. They just keep changing the question a little until it serves them by saying “but what if….this or that…” I call it “What if-ing.” It drives me crazy. Here I was sitting on the edge of the bed What-if-ing the God of All Creation.

I stopped. I smiled. I thanked Him for listening and I assured Him that I would move forward in faith.

So as the “What-ifs” came along, I dealt with them one at a time. For example, a friend of ours asked us to go to an adoption conference with her. We did. I felt no pull toward adoption, no warm-fuzzy, no bells and whistles went off for either me or my husband. In fact, within a few minutes after we pulled away I started a grocery list on my phone. My husband said “Do you want to talk about the conference? I did, I said, but maybe after we were done shopping. I was going to let the whole thing “live in my brain for an hour or two.” I hoped the Spirit would tell me what to do while we were looking for lettuce?

I've spent so much time on my knees about the ache in my heart and how to fill it! One night I cried out to the Lord for 3-4 hours straight. I plead for him to fill my heart with...with...something! Eventually I slept. When I woke up, I wondered why I had a headache. I went all day trying to figure out the trigger for my headache. Then as I was getting ready for bed the next night, I walked by the guest room and there were all these pillows on the floor and I suddenly remembered my night of begging. I realized that that wasn't the first time I'd had a true stupor of thought. That re-direction of thought! How powerful! What a blessing. I had been functioning all day. I had been lifted! My heart was light. I knew everything was going to be okay...no matter what. Maybe it’s the fact that Andy and I both do short-term adoptions every day all day. I don’t know, but I’m not going to worry about it. See?

My part of the deal is that I try to keep myself ready to be on the receiving end of any communication that needs to happen between myself and the Holy Spirit because I am not strong enough to go out on my own.  Why would I want to? The minute you get the Gift of the Holy Ghost you are immediately teamed up with the greatest life coach you will ever have! Could there be anything more amazing than that?!

He must have access to me to make all the paths work. My friend Vicky said to me one day “I try to live in the Spirit.” I just love that. I can see that in Vicky. She is humble and truly an open vessel for the Spirit to work through her. I have since stolen that phrase from her and it sure does work for me - “live in the Spirit.” Because there is not “waiting around” for the Spirit to come to you. He’s with you. He’s there - you just have to reach out - cry out - and there He is.

So crying and whining aren’t enough? Feeling blue about anything isn’t enough. You have to get it out of your system and put it in the hands of God. The transfer of this responsibility is steeped in fear. If you let go of something you want, you covet, you are desperate to experience - and you hand it over to God, it’s scary. If you stop worrying about something you really want, a companion, a child, a better job, a better life...do you lose control of it? GIVE THE WORRY TO HIM. Tell Him. Cry out to Him. He needs to know that you are serious about it. Spend some time on your knees. And I’m not talking about just your regular three- minute discussion. Have a fast if you can. Be committed to finding the answers. Show Him your commitment. This is the kind of prayer that must ascend the heavens and pierce your doubt...it must wrack your soul. YOU are a child of GOD - your divinity is inherent. Now, what about your identity?

O Me! O Life!

By Walt Whitman

O me! O life! of the questions of these recurring,

Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,

Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)

Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,

Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,

Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,

The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.

That you are here—that life exists and identity,

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

The poem "Oh Me! Oh Life!" was published in 1855 and part of a volume of poetry called Leaves of Grass.^[2] This is my favorite poem. Of the thousands and thousands of pieces of poetry that contend to be #1 on my list, this is it. I first fell in love with this work after I saw the movie Dead Poet’s Society in 1989. I was also taking a class in Victorian Literature at the time and I was smitten with it all. Every single time I read "O Me! O Life!" I am lifted. I feel that I am not alone. It’s like an old friend that hugs you and says “everything is going to be okay. You matter. You are enough. Contribute your verse!”

In the beginning, it sounds like a poem of lament or grieving, maybe self-pity. In the first line, he summarizes his conflict: What is the purpose of my life (O me!), if life is so hard (O life!)? He comments about the “endless trains of the faithless” and “cities filled with the foolish” and then he humbly notes that he is the most foolish and faithless of them all and he is “forever reproaching” himself. I do that. So by beginning with a question, he makes an unusual choice by providing the answer to his questions:

Answer: (he gets the answer from himself)

That the powerful play goes on (life is powerful, choose it!)

And you may contribute a verse. (Everybody gets to equally contribute something, anything – and I love that he says “a verse” because it suggests that everyone gets to contribute something of value and something diverse – if we were, all the same, he would have said chorus, right? I don’t know, but that’s just what it says to me. I’m going to have a talk with Walt about it in the next life.)

What I love about the ending is that instead of wallowing in self-pity (What good am I?) by leaving the question open and out there unanswered, he is strong enough (don’t we always have just a little juice in us to keep going?) to answer his own question but there is no condescension about it. He pushes that universal button of empathy for life’s futility, yet he manifests his belief that life is like a powerful play, but he doesn't offer a quick fix to humanities problems he intimates, humbly, that we (everyone one of us) are contributing to society just by being alive…each one of us in a unique way.

But that’s only half of the emotion it contains.

The tone of Walt Whitman’s famous poem starts with the very first word, which is in fact just a single vowel: O. This kind of O, the kind without the “h” attached to it, is special. You see it in the scriptures, in Greek theatrical texts, in Shakespeare too. We hardly ever think about its meaning because it’s just a single letter. But it’s so much more than just an O. It has been given the formal name “Ecphonesis O” by modern linguists. Sometimes it’s called the rhetorical O.

Ec-phonesis is Greek, and means “to cry out.” It’s derived from “exclameo,” to cry out. “Ecphonesis is a pathetical figure, whereby as the Orator or speaker expresses the vehement affection and passion of his own mind, so he also excites and stirs up the minds and affections of those to whom he speaks.”^[3]

In John Milton’s Paradise Lost the character of Eve, being told that she must leave her paradise, cries out, "O unexpected stroke! Worse than of death.”

This O elevates the emotion automatically! But why the heck is it missing its H?

This is what I teach my high school kids when they come upon one of these monsters in their Shakespeare monologues and scenes: Early authors used the single O as a placeholder for emotional exclamations like “GRRRRR!” or “sighhhhh,” or “#!%*!” The Ecphonesis O is only used when the emotion is so high that there aren’t words for how troubled, or angry or happy a person is. Nowadays we might substitute the O with a piece of music and call it musical theatre. But Milton, Shakespeare, Sophocles and the authors of the bible didn’t write musicals. They couldn’t spell that moment in time when your body is wracked with torment and you expel a guttural “YAWP” as Walt Whitman would say:

The Song of Myself by Walt Whitman

The spotted hawk swoops by and accuses me, he complains

          of my gab and my loitering

I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,

          I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.

The “O” is “untranslatable” as Whitman would say. Just like the feeling in my heart after a much-anticipated baby has passed through me or a great job opportunity was given to someone else...you see my drift. Ever wondered why you never see movie or stage characters blowing their nose or going to the bathroom? We recreate life on stage or in a book for entertainment or education. We don’t watch a play about someone brushing their teeth or tying their shoes. There is no conflict in that. We don’t learn anything from it. It isn’t COMPELLING. However…add the Ecphonesis O to a script where Ruby the 8th grader goes to brush her teeth and she lets out a deep throaty “OOOOooooo” there’s something to that. She looks down and all her teeth are in the sink. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Now that's dramatic. That needs an O.

See, storytelling is only interesting when compelling things occur. So the Ecphonesis O is very useful for a playwright to give the actor/reader a clue about the grand emotion that is happening. There are upwards of 2400 Ecphonesis O’s in the Shakespeare canon alone.

Here’s a few good ones:

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo!

O what a rogue in peasant slave am I…

O no! It is an ever-fixed mark…

O you beast! O faithless coward! O dishonest wretch!

O reason not the need!

O let me be not mad, not mad sweet heaven!

O brave new world that hath such people in it!

O, O, O, I have lost my reputation!

The O didn't die with Shakespeare and Whitman. We've all used it at points in our life. In fact, I contend that without the Ecphonesis O my prayers, my grieving, my cries for heavenly help would not pierce the veil enough to make that divine connection I need. Do I pray like that ll the time? Haha! No. I mean, I’m a dramatic kind of storyteller, but Heavenly Father sees right through me. My connection to Him must be honest at all times. But there have been a couple of times in my life when I tested the magnitude of the Ecphonesis O. One real doozy come to mind. I was living in the basement of my parent’s home trying to save money to buy my own home and I got a letter from one of my student’s parents rebuking me for not casting her daughter in a play. Her daughter was a loud, angry and negative soul. I think she enjoyed creating drama backstage and I just couldn't face another show adding “put out [this girl’s] fires” to my to-do list again. Thankfully she also didn’t sing well.

So I didn’t cast her.

One night, I was working late hours trying to put up the show, give kids an opportunity, seemingly by myself, and I was exhausted to say the least. In the middle of the night, I walked through the dark school up to the faculty room to buy a Diet Coke to keep myself awake. I grabbed my mail from my faculty box and sat down on a comfortable chair and started going through it while I drank my precious life force. There was the letter. It was addressed to me but no return address, and no signature, though from its contents I knew exactly who it was.

In a nutshell it said I was emotionally abusive and didn't know how to handle kids because I wasn't a mother myself. She called me “useless” because I was “free-loading” off my parents by living with them. (Everybody knows everything in a small town I guess.) She punched and kicked and stabbed her words right through me. When I had finished digesting the letter I let out a cry that certainly defined the Ecphonesis O. It wasn't because the letter hurt me. It was because I suspected the letter was true. I was at that point in my life where I suspected I was useless except as a machine to showcase other people’s kids. And since I had chosen not to showcase her daughter this time, she had chosen to stab at my insecurities as an older, single, childless, LDS woman with no prospects in sight to complete her version of who she thought I should be. (You can only cut so close to the bone if you are also LDS, which she was.)

I sat in that chair for a good hour, spilling Ecphonesis O after Ecphonesis O in heaps all over the floor. Crying out "...The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?" It was the kind of crying that makes your eyes pop out. It turns your face into a swollen flat surface. It gives you a migraine. It's wet and slobbery and you don't care. It makes you bend in half toward yourself, hug your knees, wipe snot on your pants because you might be the only one that can offer comfort in that moment. It makes you heave and gulp for air and whimper, all at the same time.

In the midst of it all, I started praying. I prayed that I could find out who I was and why I was truly alive. What purpose did He have for me and if this was it – just being the machine – I wanted o.u.t. I cried until I was finally able to ask Him to help me stop crying. I felt the Spirit wrap its arms around me and I fell asleep.

Around 5 AM I was awaken by the sound of custodial keys in the door. I bolted upright and looked at the clock. I sat there for a minute in a fog as the good custodian laughed. I tried to remember why I was there and then I saw the letter – still clutched in my hand and it all came back to me. I laughed it off with “boy, that was a comfortable chair!” or something ridiculous like that, and went home to shower so I could come back and do it all again. My eyes were two tiny puffy slits but I was emboldened with the kind of motivation that makes you write letters of resignation, which I did…

I needed someone to notice me. I needed change. I needed my absence to count. I needed to be enough. Something.

(That letter stayed on my hard drive for years.)

My parents, long accustomed to me spending the night at the school, were still in bed when I got home. No one would know I had been gone all night. No one would care. No one would even raise an eyebrow… except the laughing custodian.

It is in times like these I am tempted to go on auto-pilot and tell myself that even my least passionate work, just my instinctual work, is still good enough. And then the guilt of working halfheartedly adds to the building disgust I have for myself. I create a fantasy world in my mind where I have 3 kids and a mini-van. Where people say “you’re kids are gorgeous!” or “your kids are so well behaved.” I crave teaching my own children how to walk, ride a bike, sew, bake… (the grass is always greener). But the only thing I could really do to take my mind off of it, to fill the time, was disappear into a dark movie theatre by myself where I didn't have to talk to anyone and someone else could entertain me. Ironically, those moments only made me feel more sorry for myself.

You can imagine that the other Ecphonesis O's in my life are not surprising and involve the years of bitterness, loneliness, finally getting married and then subsequent miscarriages and burying a baby. Those are obvious. But most of those O's were filled with hope, faith and a knowledge that those blessings will be restored if I am faithful and endure my trials. Some of those O's were bitter, but not for long. They taught me so much. They actually increased my faith and gave me strength, depth and empathy for others. Is that it? Is that it's function? I might be onto something.

My favorite Ecphonesis O is taken from the New Testament. The teacher in me appreciates what the O does to elevate emotion, but the human in me, the person that has utilized the Ecphonesis O a few time in my life as I have cried in desperation, grief or gratitude to my Heavenly Father makes this particular "yawp," this cry, so significant to me.

At the close of Jesus’ public ministry, He found himself at the top of a hill overlooking Jerusalem, the Holy City, lamenting. The children of Israel had rejected Him and the safety He brought to them. As He looked out over the soon to be destroyed city, He was overcome with emotion and expressed His anguish:

“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not!”^[4]

Just a few years later, the city was obliterated by the Romans, fulfilling the prophecy. Imagine being able to see that in the future and not able to prevent it because of the hardness of the hearts of your people. Jesus Christ knew the Ecphonesis O. He probably invented it; for "Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted."^[5] They who saw Him suffer, instead of seeing the sacrifice in it, imagined that He was suffering at God's hands. In His greatest agonies, they scoffed at His alleged parentage, yet in His death He would save them all mercifully, graciously.

I often wonder who the atheists turn to in the depths of an Ecphonesis O moment? What Omnipotent power comforts them in their darkest moments? To whom are they grateful? I'm ignorant here and I admit it. Who sustains them, makes them powerful? Maybe that's the big idea here. The trials that bring on the Ecphonesis O are a necessary evil. They bring us to our knees, they remind us who we are and that we are not alone. We are simply building an unbreakable connection and lifeline to the endless power from whence we came.

President Nelson has said it best:

“My dear brothers and sisters, you have as much access to the mind and will of the Lord for your own life as we Apostles do for His Church. Just as the Lord requires us to seek and ponder, fast and pray, and study and wrestle with difficult questions, He requires you to do the same as you seek answers to your own questions.”^[6]

Let the mighty trials and tribulations roll forth. We rejoice in them because we need peace. Another great example is from my favorite missionary of all time, the Apostle Paul. Nearing the end of his life he wrote (probably because he experienced this first hand):

“Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope:”

BRING IT! Though I will probably always feel "foolish...faithless...intertwined in the plodding and sordid crowds" but that’s my verse.

Chapter 12  The Crying Out Recipe

So - Ginger is on the list of natural foods to consume when you are dehydrated. The fact that they are rolled in sugar just makes me happy. Seems a natural fit for this chapter!

Spicy and Chewy (!) Ginger Cookies

1 ½ cups unsalted butter - room temp

1 cup sugar

1 cup packed brown sugar

1 cup molasses

2 eggs

4 ½ cups flour

4 tsp baking soda

1 ½ T ground ginger

1 T cinnamon

1 tsp ground cloves

1 tsp salt

Demerara cane sugar

Whisk dry ingredients together and set aside. Cream first four ingredients together in a stand mixer until fluffy. Add eggs to stand mixer and then dry ingredients about ⅓ at a time until incorporated evenly.

Roll dough in long tubes of plastic wrap about 1 ½ inches in diameter. CHILL dough for at least an hour to overnight.

Let's talk about chilling - or waiting for cookies: No one wants to wait for a good cookie. But here's the thing: if you chill dough overnight or even for a few days, your cookies will taste SO MUCH BETTER. The flour will time to incorporate, the spices warm up together...trust me. If you have time. Everything is better if you can just...wait.

When you are ready to bake, pre-heat oven to 350 degrees.

Cut dough into 1 oz pieces (I weigh them just so they cook uniformly) and roll them into a ball and then completely coat them with Demerara (or turbinado) sugar. Bake on a parchment covered cookie sheet at 350 degrees for 8-10 minutes just until they start to crack on the top. They will crack more as they cool.

Chapter 12 Homework

1. Cry out.
2. What happened?

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^[1] Psalms 40: 1-3

^[2] Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman

^[3] John G Smith, The Mystery of Rhetorick Unveiled, 1721.

^[4] Matthew 23:37

^[5] Isaiah 53:4

^[6] Stand as True Millennials,” Russell M. Nelson, Ensign, October 2016