Part 2 - Four Groups of Waiters
I called this book “Ladies in Waiting,” because when I started writing it, that’s what I was. But after 482 revisions of the book since then (might be an exaggeration) and 20 years of life experiences, I am part of, or closely associated with, 4 groups of “waiters:”
- The single or divorced LDS sister or brothers waiting for a companion to feel the fullness of the gospel’s fellowship
- Infertile couples waiting to fulfill their desire for children who also feel they live on the fringe of the gospel’s fellowship sometimes
- Those valiant saints waiting for further light and knowledge
- Those waiting for Jesus Christ to return to be reunited with loved ones that have passed or to receive the promised blessings that they were not granted in mortality should they live a faithful life.
The first group is a comfort zone for me. I was single in my 40’s. I was “kicked out” of my Young Single Adult Ward at 31, as we are, and it was painful. I had many friends there and I cried for weeks. For another decade I floated around fighting loneliness and bitterness but still holding on to the gospel principals with a few fingers.
The second group is the group I belonged to for 10 years right after I got married. I’m not going to lie, I still feel “fringy” in church and at church activities. I’m human. I’m getting better and slowly giving up the barrels of bitterness I had amassed over that decade. I’m banking on President Uchtdorf’s promise: “Patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels.” I’m waiting for my transformation now! Oh, wait...wait. I realize now how impatient that sounds. Nevertheless, what a promise, right?!
The third bunch of waiters are people I work with every day and people, like me, that need more answers to feel at one with the fellowship of the gospel. This group is a vast array of children of God that have been given the politically correct acronym “LGBTQ.” Out and proud, or not out, they are waiting for further light and knowledge just as I am. I pray for it every day. I wait with them in support of their unique challenge as members of the church. Not a school year goes by that I don’t deal with the emotional terror that these valiant teenagers go through right in front of me. We tell them over and over again that “We must learn that in the Lord’s plan, our understanding comes “line upon line, precept upon precept.” We tell them that knowledge and understanding come at the price of patience. But we can do a better job of fellowshipping this group of waiters while they...wait.
The final group is a kind of “cheat.” I grouped the majority of us together here. I know that we all endure the long-suffering of death and the agony of being separated from people we love. My husband and I lost a child. It feels...well it feels like we’re standing on one side of the Grand Canyon and he is on the other side. It’s a horrible state of being. But we know he’s there at least. His name is Noah. He died 12 hours after his birth. I believe that he is waiting for his dad and me on the other side of the mortal veil. As a human he never had a chance to make a single decision on his own, consequently, we wait for each other. My feelings are wretched - but I have no idea how he feels. I’m waiting for further light and knowledge here too.
I also want to include those of us that feel a lack of blessings that are rightfully “owed” to us in this group. It might seem like those blessings are not in our future. At least, not in this life. Don’t worry, I hate that promise as much as you do. We’ll talk about that too! For some, that might be the blessings of going to a temple or the blessings of having a body or mind that works in traditional ways. I once worked with a seventh-grader that had no control over his Tourettes Syndrome in class. We learned, as a class, not to be bothered by it one bit. But during his outbursts, he knew what was happening and the shame on his face was more than I could bear sometimes. One day he told me all he ever wanted was to “be normal.” Gah! What’s normal?
I’m a waiter. Of course, I belong to (or have at some time belonged to or had direct fellowship with) ALL four of these groups!
Waiting might be the hardest thing for me. The other day I went to the bank and there were cars in every single drive-thru bay. I have severe “bank anxiety.” I want to be in and outta there as fast as I can. I wished I knew who had been there the longest so that I could pull up behind them. I made a guess.
I was wrong.
The woman in the car in front of me had A LOT of questions for the teller. Other cars were moving forward. Other lanes emptied and then someone pulled in behind me. I could not move to another lane. I watched the window and arm in the car in front of me. I watched the little money container get sucked up into the bank three times while I was waiting. I was just close enough to hear the driver say, the last time, “Oh! I stole your pen!” She opened the container again and put the pen back just before I exploded into a cloud of ash.
BAH!!! Just kidding. I banged my hands on the steering wheel at my stupidity. WHY DID I CHOOSE THIS LANE? Because when we are at Disneyland we always stay to the right because we think the right lines move faster - Choose the Right! - we always say - even at Disneyland - ridiculous! Oooooh! I was so bugged.
Thinking back - there was no way for me to know who had been there longer. I chose to elevate my anger at something I had absolutely no control over. My heart rate had gone up, I was biting my lip. Someone should have poured a glass of water on me to calm me down.
I’m not going to be talking about that kind of waiting in this book. Ha!
A Few Questions Before We Forge On...Which group(s) are you in?
What are the stereotypes of that group?
In what ways do you defy the stereotypes?
In what ways do you define the stereotypes?
Give yourself an award: You are the best ________________ in the group you are in.
What is the award and why do you deserve it?
CHAPTER 4: Group One - The Single Latter-day Saint vs. Companionship Being single doesn’t mean you’re weak - it means you are strong enough to wait for what you deserve. Anonymous There are several dozen monarchies, domains and empires around the world that recognize women who stand confidently, but silently, behind their Matriarch in power as an essential part of the royal household. They are called “Ladies in Waiting.” Despite the vast differences in the cultures of these countries, from England to Cambodia, they all seem to agree that if you sequester a Queen in a castle, she will need companions. These consorts weren’t slaves, they were a kind of…book club if you will. Rook partners. A wailing wall. Someone that knew the Queen so well, that this woman or group of women, could order dinner for their monarch, buy her clothing for her, even deliver her children if needed.
Ladies in Waiting weren’t expected to perform every day, menial tasks; there were assistants for drawing a bath, dressing their leader, providing conversation in the needlework circle. These influential women came from noble backgrounds themselves. They learned to dance, play instruments and even read. Sometimes they became mistresses to the King and consequently bore his children. They waited for their Queen to die (in childbearing or losing their heads to trumped-up treason, whatever the case) and then they themselves would move…up. They were/are politically powerful and intelligent social climbers.
One of the derivatives we Yanks got from all that royal ritual was the longstanding tradition of the “bridesmaid” and “maid of honor.” The tie-in is where the Queen decided what fabric and furs her ladies in waiting could wear in court. So I guess that stuck. I have pictures of myself in wedding lines wearing blue and purple gingham, peach organza (shaped like a peach), purple and red floral print (on the same dress) and other creations drummed up by some Queen…er….bride. Eventually, I started hiding in the kitchen with the wedding cake. That was my ticket out of the line! But soon enough it was also my ticket in to every wedding I went to from 1983 to 2017.
You’re invited to my wedding…please bring the cake.
I had gone from social-climbing Maid of Honor to the girl in the back covered in powdered sugar. Still, a trade up in my book. But nobody dances with the girl in the sticky apron.
I remember the minute when my obsession with having a husband started. My dad built us a playhouse out in one end of a shed behind our house. It was in the mid-1970s. That cinder block shed was musty and smelled of rotting paint cans and lawnmower blades. The playhouse had a little dutch door that actually locked. The door was perfect for playing “house” and "restaurant" and the lock was for my brother. I imagine that the entire space was only about 10 feet by 10 feet, but at the time, it seemed so big. It had two little beds, a table, two chairs, and an Easy-bake oven. It had a little bookshelf and a nearby rocking chair. My mom hung wallpaper and made matching curtains and bedspreads for it. My sister and I spent hours and days playing in there. In addition to feeding, changing and burping our dolls non-stop, we would make cakes, can fruit (rocks) in mason jars and sweep incessantly. I remember, with an embarrassing smile, that we would also dialogue all day long to imaginary husbands named "Donny and Jimmy" (Osmond). We mimicked the life of our mom (except her husband’s name was Joe). We knew, without question, that we would be doing all those things "for real" someday.
Then in 1981, I watched Princess Diana and Prince Charles get married at 2 o’clock in the morning, our time. My sister and I stayed up to witness the event. What teenage girl didn’t dream of that scenario every day after that? That night, we talked about all things wedding. I would have a carriage for sure. Horse-drawn. I would have a 50-foot train. I would have white roses…no, red…no purple. I remember stealing computer paper from the roll (does that date me much?) and designing the dress I would be married in. I hated Diana’s dress. I wanted bling not bows.
I was 15 at the time. I didn’t know I would wait 26 more years and be a bridesmaid a dozen times before I would pick out my own wedding dress. (Bling, not bows, by the way.)
I belonged to the singles group from about 1983 to 2006. Of all the waiting groups - this one was the most painful, the most terrifying. I know who you are. You are single, maybe never married, maybe divorced, but you are alone. You are either supporting yourself or your children.
I have no right really to group you together. Divorce is horrible and I have no understanding of the depth of sorrow you have gone through. I have many divorced friends. My best friend would say “You have to be an amazing husband to be better than no husband at all.” She speaks from experience. She is the living, breathing example of someone that has learned patience the hard way. For all my mortal brothers that are reading this, I would update that and say “You’d better be an amazing spouse to be better than no spouse at all.”
I see the “Ladies in Waiting” everywhere. Single women (and men), married women that yearn for a temple sealing, worthy saints in countries where there is no temple, faithful gay women and men, women that are not able to have children...anyone that feels that promised blessings are being withheld despite their best efforts to stay worthy of those blessings. What we feel is real. Our perceptions are real. Our loss, our emptiness, our yearnings are so real they are dangerous.
The ache would not exist if we didn’t need those blessings to feel valuable. The ache would not exist if we didn’t know how absolutely vital it is for us to partake in the ordinances that will eventually bring us back to God’s presence and give us the eternity we have been promised if we live worthily of it. So to be worthy, we are active in our wards. We are surrounded by the “married with children.” We are asked to serve in the primary, or teach a lesson about the family or bear witness that God is just and fair.
And it doesn’t feel just or fair.
My friend Angie says, “single feels like an endless walk through a fancy hotel. You have everything you need but you don’t want any of it. You want someone to walk with you, to hold your hand as you put one foot in front of the other.”
Back in 1991, when I started writing down my feelings, I was working as an English teacher in a Japanese high school, living by myself, and fulfilling my dream of being the little single LDS woman that could. The book started out in the self-help genre. It was supposed to be about being an empowered single woman in the LDS church. It was supposed to be about feminism and Christianity. It was supposed to make me feel better about my life. It was an ode to all the single independent women out there that were building careers instead of families. It was supposed to wrap its arms around this growing community and say “you go, girl! You don’t need a man to complete you! You are the whole package! You can still have a testimony and sit in church by yourself and feel the spirit of God’s love for you. Your testimony will get you through all those lonely nights. Your knowledge of Jesus Christ as your personal Savior will save you from the drowning tide of loneliness. It will get you through your cravings to be held, to be loved, to be a mother…”
Well, this is…a lie.
When the Apostle Paul wrote the epistle to the Philippians he was in prison. He tells the people that he prays for them. He tells them that Christ prays for them. He tells them to seek after good things and that they can do all things through Christ…” But for me, the stellar advice from this incredible apostle is in Philippians 4:11. He writes, “...I have learned in whatsoever state I am in, to be content.”
My knowledge of God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ helps me in a thousand ways, but it has never taken away my need to connect to a companion in a spiritual, emotional, or even sexual way. Those needs are God-given and God won’t take them away. He created them. Thus is the conflict of every Shakespeare play, every country-western song or Richard Paul Evans novel, love: where do we get it, can we get more of it and how do we keep it alive? It’s the most powerful drug on the planet.
This reminds me of high school psychology class when our teacher explained to us man’s basic needs. Probably quoting from Maslow at the time, he first included physiological needs such as air, water, food and safety. Then he moved to psychological needs like belonging to a group and feeling like you contribute to the group - you matter. Finally - Maslow would call it self-actualization. Think of it as creating a variety of opportunities to reach your full potential based on your knowledge of who you are in the group.
We need a tribe, even if it’s only one other person. We need companionship. We need to feel needed.
Recently I read an article entitled “Being Single: When You’re No One’s Number One by Shanni Silver. She writes:
“...who’s your In Case Of Emergency person? Mine is my mom. She lives 1800 MILES AWAY. And yes, I could list a friend, but I don’t like how that makes me feel. Have you ever really been in an “emergency?” It’s terrifying, and I don’t like assigning that potential imposition to a friend.
And I’m a lucky one, I have my mom. Not everyone does. But at a certain point in life, I developed a need to be number one to someone other than a parent. . . I have in me the desire to matter most to someone, to be the first phone call, the first person they think of. I’m 36 years old and I don’t think I’m wrong to want that.”
Nope! You aren’t wrong. We are not meant to be alone! If your innate desire for companionship isn’t proof enough scientists assert that we humans must live together in groups. Our human childhood is too long, we lack enough fur to protect us, we don’t have claws and we can’t run fast enough to survive for very long by ourselves. Emotionally and biologically we are meant to survive in groups.
So the feeling of being alone, Shani continues:
“...is a feeling of being untethered. Of “wearing a coat with no back or sitting on a barstool that feels wobbly and about to break...Being no one’s number one can feel really bad. Not mattering most or more than anyone else to someone can be a very empty feeling, and it’s okay to tell the truth about that.”
Oh please, let’s tell the truth! When I was an older single Latter-day Saint, I felt socially rejected by my family, my friends, and my church. I was in the worst health both physically and mentally except that I didn’t know that at the time. I just thought feeling terrible was normal.
In my research, I ran across an article by C. Nathan Newell at the University of Kentucky. It is about the effects of social rejection on our emotional, cognitive, behavioral, and biological responses. Basically, he reviews compelling, even horrifying evidence as to how the human body responds and copes with social rejection. The article highlights, over and over again how central acceptance is to our lives and that acceptance’ evil twin, rejection, is bad for your physical and mental health. He proves convincingly that people live an average of 12 years longer if they are married but what startled me was Dr. Newell’s assertion that we navigate the world constantly worried about being socially rejected.
I see this every day in my classroom. Maybe I see it every single class period? S.c.a.r.y. And it’s not just a problem for the person suffering from it - it’s a worldwide problem. He points out, horrifically, that people often lash out violently against the world for excluding them. Cases in point: after analyzing 15 recent school shootings, they found that all but two had been socially rejected. ALL but two! We have mandated bi-annual lockdown drills in our schools now. Those few minutes, locked and huddled together in one of my dressing rooms with 30+ high school students is, hands down, the scariest thing I do as a teacher, and so far it’s only been a drill.
I digress. Whew!
Love is an absolute necessity in life. Love heals. I don’t think you would be reading this book if you didn’t believe it.
Here’s the really big idea: God did not intend for us to be alone.
Okay. It’s not a really big idea, nor is it even new or innovative in any way. But I believe that the union of two people actually saves those two people, or at least we know it increases their life expectancy.
This isn’t just about women either. My friend Justin (thank you Justin!) says:
“... there is an increasing number of [men] in the church who are single well into their 30’s. Pretty much everything you said about your own experience of the loneliness, longing for companionship, planning for the future, and even talking to yourself applies to us too. We also don’t want to be single any longer than necessary, let alone abstain from sex. The last time one of my single friends flew Virgin Atlantic airlines and said “I’m a virgin flying over the Atlantic on Virgin Atlantic,” I thought it was funny. But when I had to do it two weeks ago, I realized the joke wasn’t funny anymore. I’m over being single!”
Justin is half of a set of twins that I adore. I watched them grow up. We were in a few plays together and he is in his 40’s now - still single, still waiting. His perspective is so valuable to me. He has had a couple of chances to marry but it was not to be. He is actively engaged in the search and when I posted a “poor pity me” blog a few years ago, he commented back that I should include the brethren of the church that for reasons beyond human comprehension, were also still waiting, still pursuing happiness in an eternal companionship.
Culturally, I can see the shift in our mindset here. The problem is, it has been, and usually still is, the responsibility of the male of the species to “call upon” the female. I’m not saying this is right - I’m only saying what I see people! Men have initiated the American relationship (and throughout most cultures in the world) and when things aren’t initiated, they don’t happen. I know it isn’t completely true anymore, but it’s there. I can tell you that my extensive and profound research includes the fact that high school dances are still labeled “girls choice” and “boys choice” because if you didn’t label it, the kids wouldn’t go. Ha! Now that’s some deep research. But seriously, I see the bravest kids ignoring the labels and it makes me happy because I was terrorized by that quote. You know the one:
“You young women advancing in years who have not yet accepted a proposal of marriage, if you make yourselves worthy and ready to go to the house of the Lord and have faith in this sacred principle of celestial marriage for eternity, even though the privilege of marriage does not come to you now in mortality, the Lord will reward you in due time and no blessing will be denied you. You are under no obligation to accept a proposal from someone unworthy of you for fear you will fail of your blessings. Likewise, you young men who may lose your life in early life by accident, or fatal illness, or in the terrible conflict of war (in my case this would have been the Stripling Warriors!) before you have had the opportunity for marriage, the Lord knows the intent of your hearts, and in His own due time He will reward you…”
In DUE TIME. I just HATE THAT. I mean, I know it to be true and it gives me hope, but it doesn’t take away the heaviness of your heart or give you someone to go to the movies with on Friday night. Okay, in fact, I’ll own it - I hate this famous quote altogether. Spoken by a prophet, it does give us one salient fact: God will give us, every single one of us, a chance to have a companion. I just wish everyone would stop throwing that quote in our faces - though, right?
The fact is we have to keep searching for companionship. It’s the human condition. It’s God’s plan of happiness.
H.O.W.E.V.E.R DOT. DOT. DOT. You will be tempted to think that your joy depends on your finding a spouse. But it doesn’t. GAH! It doesn’t. It might make us feel more productive. It might make us feel contented and fulfilled. But JOY is in a thousand places and can be created a thousand ways. I know you know them all. I’m not going to give you a list of things you can do to go out and find joy - that would be insulting. But I am going to say - remember that *!@* promise. Blessings DO NOT have expiration dates. The longer you wait for them the sweeter they are.
My last thought is this...Give God time to work on your specific needs for a spouse. My husband is 14 years younger than I am. I was not his teacher - don’t worry. But I was his friend. (You’ll read the down and dirty later. Ha!) But I was not looking at him as eternal companion material because he was so much younger. Then time passed and the stigma fell away. By the time we got engaged, we had been friends for so long everyone said,“well, it’s about time!” We are so well suited for each other that it scares me sometimes. We aren’t rich, we haven’t been blessed with children, we both have crazy busy jobs, but we aren’t doing it alone. We both waited for someone that was emotionally and spiritually available at the risk of being alone in this life. WOW - Heavenly Father is the KING of the matchmakers. Just be available when HE needs you to be. Don’t risk anything less.
Justin - continue to rock your priesthood. There are women who need you. It will happen for you...in DUE TIME. OUCH! But yeah...it’s true. We’ve coined our own cliche and it is born out of truth as usual. You know it to be true. Come to dinner at my house on Friday night. See you there!
Chapter 4 - The Singles Recipes - DON’T WAIT FOR “THE” CAKEIronically I have built over a hundred wedding cakes in my lifetime. Here it is. The secret is out. I don’t mean to make those of you that have said “that is the best cake I’ve ever tasted” sound pranked, but for 20 years I’ve started with a cake mix - just whatever is on sale. Don’t be afraid to make big cakes! MAKE YOUR OWN!
THE Wedding Cake Recipe1 cake mix
4 large eggs
¼ cup oil
½ cup full-fat sour cream
1 cup whole milk
2 T cornstarch
1 small package of sugar-free instant pudding mix
1 tsp additional flavoring of your choice (I also add more vanilla if the cake is vanilla or more cocoa if the cake is chocolate)
Combine all. Mix on medium speed in a Kitchen-Aid or Bosch or whatever for TWO MINUTES. Spray 2 8” round pans with whatever non-stick spray you have then line the pan with an 8” round of parchment paper and then spray AGAIN. If you don’t do this step, you will be so sorry. Pour ½ mixture into each pan.
HINT: Want to make sure it doesn’t rise too much and gives you a denser, more moist texture? Bake it seven to ten minutes longer at 325 degrees instead of 350.
Type of Cake Add-ins to make it wedding cake worthy:
White Vanilla Follow directions above and then add a couple more teaspoons of real vanilla
Chocolate
Follow directions above and then add another tablespoon (or two!) of good cocoa, chocolate chips or nuts
Lemon
Follow directions above and then add the juice and the grated rind of one whole lemon.
Raspberry Lemonade
Use the Lemon recipe and then add a packet of Raspberry Crystal Light drink mix or dehydrated raspberries.
Carrot Cake
Follow directions above and then add two cups of shredded carrots and a 15oz can of pineapple tidbits (and nuts! LOADS OF NUTS). You will have to bake this 10 - 20 minutes longer depending on the depth of your batter.
Applesauce Cake
Follow directions above and then add 1 cup of applesauce (and nuts of course! Everything is better with nuts!)
Confetti Cake
Follow directions above for the Vanilla cake but before you put the water in, stir in half a cup of multi-colored sprinkles. Going for a color scheme? Only use those color sprinkles.
Jan’s Buttercream Frosting for Decorating Cakes
PLEASE! Don’t buy the canned frosting! It’s so terrible. Here’s a buttercream you can make in 5 minutes. It’s not expensive to make!
1 bag of powdered sugar (the 2 lb bag)
1 pound of real margarine (At room temp. The kind that actually says 80% vegetable oil - anything less than 80 has too much water in it and you won’t be able to decorate with it because it won’t hold a shape. DON’T TEST THIS. THIS IS REAL.)
1 tablespoon of good vanilla
1 1/2 teaspoons of salt
1 T of Wilton’s imitation butter flavoring (I know! But you will thank me.)
About 1/4 cup to 1/3 water (depending on how hot the day is)
Mix all of the ingredients together for about 2 minutes in a stand mixer (just until they turn a light cream color.) Overmixing will cause too many bubbles and/or separation. You can add colors and flavors when you are done, or just get a spoon…
If the frosting is too weak to hold a shape, put it in the refrigerator for an hour or so to let the butter set up again.
Homework Assignments for Chapter 4:
- Make and decorate two cakes. Take one to someone and eat the other one entirely by yourself. Homework has no calories. You can do it.
- Write down your feelings about wedding traditions.
- If you can create wedding traditions for yourself at any time why do they matter so much?
- which of those reasons in question 3 don't really matter in an eternal perspective?
- Stop waiting for the wedding traditions to happen! Make them happen right now.
- Do you still sleep in a twin bed? If you answered yes to this question, stop reading right now and go out and buy yourself a queen-sized bed. Get great sheets. Sleep in the middle.
- Do you still have your college dishes? Stop reading right now and go out and buy yourself the dishes you have always wanted to have. Don't get too many. More than a few makes them feel useless and empty.
- Never been out of the country? Stop reading right now and get yourself a passport. Take yourself on a honeymoon.
- Buy yourself a ring. Invest sentimental value in this ring as a symbol of your love for yourself.
